“I’m not surprised,” he told her calmly. “The situation was bound to occur. Frankly, I expected it sooner, but I’m glad it’s finally here. We can deal with it and put it behind us.”
One of them was crazy. “What are you talking about?”
“When we started dating, you were only sixteen,” he said.
“I’m well aware of that.”
“I was seventeen.”
She felt as if she’d been dropped into a conversation already in progress. “What does that have to do with anything?”
“I’ve dated other women, but you never dated other guys.”
He was comparing his few dates in high school to her kiss with Ryan? “Joel, you don’t understand what I’m trying to tell you.”
“Of course I understand.” His smile was kindly. “I’ve been there. When I dated before, I kissed those girls and…well…” He flushed. “We did some things together. My point is I’ve experienced life. I know what’s out there in the world. You haven’t done that. I’m pleased that you had the opportunity to sow your wild oats and get all this out of your system.”
Okay, so they weren’t talking about the same thing at all and Joel didn’t get it. Now what? “This is more than wild oats,” she said. “A lot more.”
“I know you believe it is, but don’t worry. It’s done and now we can get on with our lives.” He reached out and placed his hand over hers. “I love you, Cass. You’re the one that I want to be with. I still trust you. Isn’t that what matters?”
It should, she thought sadly. It should matter a whole bunch, but it didn’t.
She studied his familiar face, the shape of his jaw, the curve of his lower lip. Light brown eyes crinkled slightly at the corners. He was so honorable, she thought. So willing to believe the best of her.
“It’s not that simple,” she said. “I don’t want to go back to what we had. It’s not enough.” She pulled free of his touch, and stared at her fingers. The promise ring glinted in the overhead lights. “I can’t keep this anymore,” she told him and slipped the slender band from her finger.
“What are you doing?” Joel asked, the first hint of concern filling his voice.
“What it looks like. I’m sorry.”
“I see.” Joel picked up the ring. “I hope you’re not making the mistake of thinking he’s going to want you.”
She told herself he hadn’t meant the statement as cruelly as it came out, but she wasn’t sure. “I don’t pretend to know what Ryan wants in life, but I’m reasonably confident it isn’t me. Our kiss was just something that happened. It didn’t mean anything.” At least not to him. Unfortunately for her, it had not only been a wake-up call about her relationship with Joel, it had also embedded itself in her mind. She couldn’t stop thinking about those few moments in his arms.
“I’m not breaking up with you because of Ryan,” she continued. “I’m doing it because of me. I’ve experienced passion. I know what it’s like to want someone so much it hurts.” She drew in a deep breath. “Maybe I’m setting myself up for heartbreak. Maybe I’m reaching for the stars. I don’t know. But what I am sure of is that I want to find this again. I want that kind of passion in my life on a permanent basis.”
“It’s that important to you?” Joel asked.
“Yes.”
He picked up the ring and stared at the tiny diamond. “We could do that,” he said without looking at her. “If you wanted to.”
If she hadn’t been so close to tears, his lack of enthusiasm would have made her smile. “I appreciate the offer, but no thanks. It’s been nine years and we’ve never even tried heavy petting. It was too easy not to become lovers.”
She swallowed. “I’m sorry, Joel. You are a wonderful man and I adore you. In some ways I love you. I’ll always have feelings for you, but they’re not the kind of feelings that a woman should have for her husband. I can’t see you anymore.”
He closed his fingers over the ring. “Just like that? It’s been nine years.”
“I know. It’s what I want. If you look deep inside, I think you’ll find it’s what you want, too.”
“All right.” He slipped the ring into his shirt pocket. “If you need time, I’ll give you time. We’ll put the relationship on hold for a few weeks. I’m sure once you’ve had a chance to think about it, you’ll come to your senses.”